ไอแอมฮาวิงเอเบรคเดาว์น

May 29th, 2019
1 day remaining before starting a new journey
Thailand, Isan, Udornthani Ward

thesammontague@gmail.com

Oh buddy. I am currently oscillating between the verge of an emotional mess and the emotionless apathy of everyday life. As of the typing of this email, I have only broken down once and it was very brief. We will see as I get closer to Texas and further from friends and my Thai family.

Some people say the time passes fast, while I have heard others say the opposite. I think it all depends on the attitude of which you experience your mission. I wouldn't say it passed by fast for me, rather in the steady passage of time (probably moving at 1.5x speed so it was faster but not enough to really notice). But wow did the end creep up on me. It is really hard to imagine not being in Thailand. The anxiety is still crawling just below the surface, so I know it is there but it hasn't fully hit me yet.

My mission has meant so much to me. I want that to be clear. I have changed so much as a result. The words swirling through my head right now are from the people of King Benjamin after his magnificent sermon:

"2 And they all cried with one voice, saying: Yea, we believe all the words which thou hast spoken unto us; and also, we know of their surety and truth, because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually.

3 And we, ourselves, also, through the infinite goodness of God, and the manifestations of his Spirit, have great views of that which is to come; and were it expedient, we could prophesy of all things.

4 And it is the faith which we have had on the things which our king has spoken unto us that has brought us to this great t knowledge, whereby we do rejoice with such exceedingly great joy.

5 And we are willing to enter into a covenant with our God to do his will, and to be obedient to his commandments in all things that he shall command us, all the remainder of our days, that we may not bring upon ourselves a never-ending torment, as has been spoken by the angel, that we may not drink out of the cup of the wrath of God." (Mosiah 5: 2-5)

I have sensed this change come upon me gradually throughout my mission. For those that know me even a little, you know that I am very dramatic and extra. As that is part of my personality, I think I have expected big and grand and marvelous happenings to be showered upon me and that isn't what happened. It hurt for a while as I thought it was just because I didn't have the faith or wasn't worthy enough. The Lord, however, taught many times that that is not how He works. Rather it is "line upon line, precept upon precept" that we are brought to a knowledge, that we receive truth, that we do His work, that everything happens. Looking back, I see this principle in action in my life. I know that Jesus sacrificed everything so that I can have everything.

I don't know what I was expecting when I came onto my mission. Miraculous and never ending conversion? A knowledge and thirst for the scriptures? Righteousness and glory showered upon me? A record number of converts that never fall away? Opening a STAKE by myself? District Leader Trainer in my second transfer, ZL for my third and fourth, AP by 5th? I was a pretty ambitious kid, but I didn't fully understand how everything worked. I did achieve some of those things (I will go down in TBM history as the English King and Queen 555+), but I didn't understand; I was naught but a naive babe. I had no idea the amount of work I would have to put in.

I dealt with so much. Hard companions, hard housemates, bad houses, bad weather, hard-hearted teaching pools and lazy members. Desire without the means to accomplish it, goals that went unfinished. Heartbreak, depression, anxiety, frustration, vulnerability, and the ever-persistent being tired. I replaced my bike once, my pedals, my brakes twice and my tires at least 20 times. There were so many times when I had no one to teach. I opened an area, I went into "dead" areas, or the people we were teaching had a secret meeting and decided to all lose interest simultaneously (all your teachers giving you projects or exams at the same time has nothing on that last one). The language itself is a mountain; THAI IS SO FREAKING HARD. I'm going to be so mad and furious at myself if I lose this language, because THAT was so much anguish in and of itself. I cried a lot (I'm also a crybaby tho, so). Whatever you are think about missions, they are hard. Very hard. Harder than anything you've done in your life and ranks up their for the rest of your life.

But it has been so worth it! I have forged amazing friendships with missionaries, members, and the Thai people. Not everyone accepted it, but that never happens. I have converted and learned and thirsted and changed as I had desired. I was given plenty of opportunity to refine my Christlike Attributes. I have cried and died from laughter- the other night I laughed so intensely my face started sobbing (I was also super tired555). There are so many inside jokes, weird occurrences, and situations that happen that it was easy to (almost) always have a smile and a laugh. I love these people.

Would I recommend a mission? 10205324% yes. Would I relive my mission? Yes- there were some pretty bad parts and cringy lows but I'm glad and grateful they happened and are in the past because I have grown from them. But also if I could redo it from where I am as a person right now, I definitely would because I know that I grew like 500% from where I started, and I would love another chunk of that from where I am now.

Oh gosh, I am going to miss this so much. I don't know how other people do this. It feels too surreal and even now it is far away. I am not looking forward to leaving Thailand. These people mean so much and I just have a huge and pure desire to help them. I don't know if they know or understand or feel that ( or if I even do/did), but my heart is bigger than my quads, that's for sure.

~~Sometimes~~ All the time I am crazy bold and straight forward. Sometimes I am happy or laugh when I probably shouldn't. Others' opinions just don't have the same sway on me anymore though. I have read the scriptures more than ever before, and honestly Jesus is hilarious and a savage. He wrecked so many people, but gave love to those that actually needed it. I hope that this is what I did and that I didn't step over any lines, but honestly I am learning how to be like Jesus. I might've said it before, but those are the things other missionaries try to counsel me to be otherwise, but I choose to come to this world in a time before not to be anyone else but me. I need to be and am trying to become a perfected and Godly me, but me nonetheless. This revelation has come in parts and bits, through scripture reading, pondering, and crying. A big chunk came when I went on that rant about "betterest" a few weeks ago, but it is fully clicking.

A mission is a special time for refinement and betterment. It is a time like no other. It can not be replicated or redone. Not even if you go back when you are older. It is something that changes you forever, and I know I am going to think and speak and refer back to this time so often.

I came as a little baby boy and I feel like that is what I am about to do again. I have to go back to work and university studies and eventually finding a family and career and honestly I want to just run away from that all and just keep being a missionary. But my time is expired. I hope and pray that the next generations of missionaries here can fulfill their potential and my expectations because Thailand truly deserves the best and they better keep receiving it.

I'm dying, but only quietly and on the inside right now. I expect to really melt and dissolve as I leave Udorn tonight Bangkok Friday morning. See you soon!

Goodbye Thailand